Blog #1 : Learning To Father Myself.
Like most men, my father had his issues. Issues that have deeply impacted my family (a blog - or rather, a book - for another day perhaps). He died when I was 9.
But this post is not about my father. It is about what it means to father myself. Something I’ve really only begun to understand.
First, let’s talk about what I consider to be positive aspects of the father archetype. A healthy father from the POV of his child, in my opinion is a man who…
Is approachable but can’t be steamrolled or manipulated.
Is protective. He pays attention to potential dangers and is willing to protect above all else. Meaning he will not “people please” or be passive if it means his child is in any danger.
Is NOT the danger himself. He knows his demons well, and is equally unwilling to be passive in the protection of his children even from himself.
Embodies love, and makes his family (partner included and especially) feel emotionally safe. Meaning that he is accepting of and present with his own emotions. And therefore he can be/is deeply accepting of and present with the emotions of his family.
Takes care of his body, mind and spirit. Therefore he is able to LEAD his family in these areas. He understands that he is being watched like a hawk by his children who are always seeking guidance and safety. And same from his partner.
Provides for his family. Is an active participant/leader in making sure his family is resourced, safe, and stable.
Embodies and prioritizes his purpose. He is happy with himself and directs his life in a way that is deeply fulfilling outside of his family and home life.
Now, I’m sure you read that and can resonate with the deep wish for our fathers to embody these things. Maybe he was/is. Maybe some more than others. Maybe not at all.
Before I can father myself, I first must actively embrace the pain that I feel for my father not being these things. The pain I feel from the effects on my wellbeing, my health, my mind, my body, and my safety that my father played an active role in creating.
So my step one… FEEL. And in this I’m already fathering myself. Speaking words to myself of “It is okay to feel. I am present with these emotions and I embrace and encourage the expression of them.” Fathering myself seems to start here.
The journey of discipline and really solidifying myself as my own father (and perhaps a father to another human being), can only fully be embraced when I accept, feel and move through my emotions. This is not something I just do once, either. It is an ongoing process and has more to do with being a human in general, than just being a father.
When feelings are acknowledged and space is made, I can now choose the direction I want to go in. I can begin to embody the things I listed.
I can trust myself as a man that will be present with my own emotions. This increases my capacity and willingness to be present with my partner. And anyone else that I encounter in my life.
I can be protective because I am NOT reactive or distracted (both of which come out of avoiding my own emotions).
I am approachable because of the light I am now carrying, AND I can’t be manipulated or steamrolled because I know myself, I’ve felt my emotions, and am now in a regulated/calm place. Clarity comes in abundance when my nervous system is calm and regulated.
“Clarity comes in abundance when my nervous system is calm and regulated.”
I can embody love for all of the same reasons. And I embrace the emotions of others, making me present, clear, and capable of holding more than just my own energy.
I can be a safe man. I know my demons, my anger, my addictions and can face these things in ways that prevent my projection/passing on of my shit those in my life.
I can work hard to provide sustainably for myself and my family, because I am aware of my finances, I am committed to providing, and can affectively build the life I want to live, before I bring children into this world.
And… as embodied in writing this blog, I embrace my purpose. I show up to the areas of my life that I find to be deeply fulfilling.
I am not a father yet. But I am a devoted partner to my beloved, Sky. I am a man on a healing journey. I am a Men’s Group leader, and I am rapidly transforming by the day. All of these things REQUIRE me to be the things I listed above. So I am deeply committed to fathering myself. And to add one more thing to the list of embodying healthy fatherhood… I am deeply open to growth, learning and change.
I am excited to learn from all the men (and women) who come into my life. Whether it’s a soon to be father, a new father, a grandfather, a child or anyone else.
As a conscious man, I get the privilege of embracing fatherhood of myself at every given moment of the day. Brother, I feel YOUR fatherhood wound through feeling mine. And I commend you for confronting it, embracing the pain, and choosing to be vastly different.
Keep going, man. I promise I will too. As fathers to ourselves we become better fathers to our world. Leaders and catalysts of the changing paradigm.
David J. Bokser 10-01-2024
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